*This post could be tough to read, it wasn’t easy to write and this insight is helpful for someone left behind after a death by suicide (I mean me). If you or someone you know needs emotional support, in Australia call Lifeline on 13 11 14. Crisis Counselling is available around the world.

I came across an incredible article published in Scientific American last month. Incredible because it gave me insight to what I had witnessed from the outside. The article affirmed what I have been thinking that I can not judge the thinking of a suicidal mind by the standards of a non-suicidal one, and to do so is flawed.

The article draws on the work of Florida State University psychologist Roy Baumeister and his 1990 Psychological Review article , “Suicide as Escape from the Self.” In that article he described six steps that, culminate in a probable suicide if all of the criteria are met. He noted that if any of the steps are avoided the outcome is unlikely to be a suicide:

* 1. Falling short, of standards. Almost paradoxically the better things are; the higher the living standards, the better the weather, the smarter the student the greater the risk of suicide. As high achievers know, high expectations can lead to bitter, even if only perceived, disappointments. Evidence supports the premise that preceding suicide is failure to attain expectations and standards.

* 2. Internal attributions. People who die by suicide blame themselves,for outcomes. Self loathing and self condemnation take hold. On Mottsu’s last day he commented on my goodness for buying Wally, our dog, a Birthday present. It was obvious to me that his own badness was at the fore. I tried to reassure him, Wally didn’t know it was his birthday or that he had a gift. I had only bought a present, a drizabone raincoat, hoping to make Mottsu smile. Mottsu beyond smiling was, at that late stage, convinced he was no good.

* 3. Uncompassionate and high self-awareness. At this stage there is a heightened and relentlessly unforgiving self awareness. In comparison to others the suicidally depressed person assess themselves as chronically deficient of the expectations of others.

* 4. Negative Affect. Feeling marginalised because there is something wrong with you is the next step. The emotional distress and anxiety of depression can bring on feelings of shame and other acute negative emotions, a downward spiral. Mottsu’s journal entries confirm a negative affect.

* 5. Cognitive deconstruction. “When preparing for suicide, one can finally cease to worry about the future, for one has effectively decided that there will be no future. The past, too, has ceased to matter, for it is nearly ended and will no longer cause grief, worry, or anxiety. And the imminence of death may help focus the mind on the immediate present.” I have heard anecdotal evidence that in the immediate lead to suicide people seem less depressed than previously, relief that’s apparent with the decision can be mistaken for a start of recovery.

* 6. Disinhibition. Any inhibition about killing oneself is gone. In this final stage, there is no optimism left, no sense of living. “Alternating between being numb and feeling very bad is not a good thing,” Dr. Baumeister said. It is perhaps unsurprising that the oblivion of suicide is sought to make it all stop. Living has become intolerable and disinhibition is what allows

It’s all information and I find it helpful in trying to comprehend what is most difficult to understand I’ve written a lot and plan to keep writing on difficult topics. I am learning.

Some related posts:
Hope can be learned
The hardest thing in the world to do is live
Depression can huddle like a sick ape in the back of your mind
Depression is nearly incomprehensible to those who haven’t experienced it
Someone will hold your hand
You can recover from depression
There are things you can do if a friend is in crisis
This is a topic we should talk about more and report more

Tough topic.