“Life is a memory, and then it is nothing.” Cormac McCarthy (The Crossing)

I am a reader, I love books and stories. When Mottsu wanted to read something lighter than his usual fare of news and politics has asked me to recommend a fiction book, one with emotions and feeling.

the border trilogyI had just finished reading The Crossing by Cormac McCarthy, I recommended it, almost, without hesitating. It’s a powerful book the central relationship between a boy and a wolf is very moving, Mc Carthy’s words a pleasure to read. He is a peerless author, if bleak.

I’m a little haunted by just how bleak some of his works are. What was I thinking? I had thought, I might have considered what a desolate story it told. I might have considered Mottsu’s state and considered something cheerier, actually that’s not true. I did consider Mottsu’s state and I thought the writing was so moving, so compelling, it would touch his heart like it had squeezed my own.

The Crossing is a melancholic yet redemptive read. I thought Mottsu would find it as uplifting as it is grim. Regret is inevitable from time to time, now I wish I had recommended a different book, a bright happy book, something less harrowing than McCarthy’s incomparable prose.

I can’t think of an author but Dr Suess who writes bright and happy, and Dr Suess would not have worked either.

“He saw very clearly how all his life led only to this moment and all after led to nowhere at all. He felt something cold and soulless enter him like another being and he imagined that it smiled malignantly and he had no reason to believe that it would ever leave. “ Cormac McCarthy (The Crossing)

Displaced Anger

I am still pondering on Stage 2 of Grieving. The stage about Anger and Resentment, how I did and didn’t experience anger.

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Dr Kubler Ross suggested that Stage 2 is characterized by fury at whatever caused the loss and that I might find myself enraged at the world. I don’t know about enraged with the world but there was a moment one evening when I was outraged/enraged by a friend of a friend. I think it was displaced anger, something undoubtedly well intended that the antagonist, Mikey, said ignited instant sparks of temper.

Mikey was someone I didn’t know very well, but had known over a long period. A friend of a couple of friends. In the early days of my aloneness he had suggested that it might be nice to catch up occasionally to go to the movies, an outing usually enjoyed more with a friend than on ones own. I was enthusiastic about the idea, I was keen for company, and Mikey would have been company. Time ticked by and we didn’t made it to the movies, one never made a call to the other.

The mutual friends, Mikey and I went to dinner one night. We dined well, we shared banter. I was a little tetchy and sensitive, it was becoming my modus operandi, wounded, prickly and defensive. 004Nonetheless we enjoyed the evening, but we didn’t linger. It was a work night, each had to get home.

We stood in the street to say our farewells. That’s when Mikey made his offer, in a moment of unprecedented and unparalleled chivalry Mikey asked if he could walk me to my car. Anger ignited and I held it in, smiled, shook my head, and walked away fuming. Furious with (possibly) displaced anger.

Here I was coping, grieving, taking my bins out on the right night of the week, alone, bereft, abandoned and often longing for company. Of all of the things Mikey could have offered to do, walking to my car was the least of them. I did it all the time, walked myself to my car, I mean, – a necessity.

He could have offered to change a light globe, clear the gutter of leaves, mow the grass, chat over lunch or go to the movies with me. Walk me my car? I was angry hurt and scornful, I haven’t seen those friends again. Long story, the loss of a player in our relationship(s) was too much, we didn’t ever recover (maybe it was me and my scatter gun approach to expressing anger).

I walk to my own car. I always did. I felt anger too, from time to time…

Cup Day

We met on Cup Day, he went to the Cup. 026

I didn’t.

He and my house mate, Orvil, arrived home after a day at the races and I met Mottsu on Cup Day. Sometimes I have better luck than a punter.

Today I went to the Cup and he didn’t. Punter’s luck…

Derby Day

Today is Derby Day.

Today is Derby Day and I am heading to the races. It’s a sort of memorial trek to the track, Mottsu was a keen punter and race goer, Derby Day was an annual highlight in his calendar.

Spring Carnival’s Derby Day is the highlight in many racing calendars. It is considered by most racing enthusiasts to be the best day of thoroughbred racing in Australia, if not the world.

On Derby Day November 1, 2003 Mottsu picked the quadrella, considered by many betting enthusiasts to be the on of ultimate punting challenges. A quadrella requires four winners of four races in a row. He tried every year for more than ten years, always confident of having picked the winners up until some outsider thundered to the post before a favoured choice. Many near misses with three of four legs and no quadrella victory. We were there on Derby Day 2003, as we were on every Derby Day, with the traditional cornflower worn in his button hole and a well studied form guide in his hand. A hat on my head, laughter, horses (of course), an all day carnival complete with champagne and post race blisters on my feet: he wore sensible shoes.

2003 was a big Derby Day, four months before he died, his Derby Day dream.
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Race 5 Qantas Wakeful Stakes no 3 Timbourina
Race 6 AAMI Victoria Derby no 3 Elvstroem
Race 7 Thrifty Mackinnon Stakes no 13 Casual Pass
Race 8 Seppelt Salinger Stakes no 9 Ancient Song

Four winners of four races a dividend of thousands of dollars and we laughed and celebrated. His best Derby Day ever. His last Derby Day. No visible signs of distress, not yet anyway.

He confided his delight of enjoying a perfect race day, in a way he never confided his ensuing despair.

Today, I’m off to Derby Day, I been have every year since that winning celebrated one. I have my hat, and my shoes that will make my feet pay by the end of the day, and no form guide. I am all carnival and little punting.

It’s not the same without Mottsu.

I spy with my little eye

I remember our first date. Date? It was more like a “Why don’t you come horse riding with us?”

Mottsu was a friend of my house-mate and “us” was a group of his friends and house mates. The invitation was to join them on a bush ride 5 or 6 hours on a horse. Horse riding sounds easy enough, you sit on top and the one under the saddle does all the work.

An all day horse ride sounds deceptively easy, it is body bruising work. Unfamiliar with the inevitable muscular outrage I readily agreed to go.

It was a fabulous day, a memorable first date, I paid for it later with all over body distress and that’s not my lasting memory. I vaguely recall the physical torment.

There was some natural awkwardness during the long day, it was difficult to converse with ease, from horse back to horse back. Sometime mid-afternoon I felt a particular silence was a tad pro-longed and I scanned my head for things to say when Mottsu, a laconic easy rider, started with “I spy with my little eye…”. We slipped into an unanticipated game of I spy.

WTF? I spy? It wasn’t exactly conversation.

Far out, I spy.

I was delighted by his unconventional wit and style. Unpretentious, the perfect foil for my own uptight sensibilities. I was hooked with a game of eye-spy.

There all sorts of things you love about someone, all sorts of reasons.
Right there, ‘I spy’, is why I loved that man

Going solo at the cinema

When Mottsu and I went to the cinema we would hold hands. From the opening titles to the closing credits, we’d hold hands in the dark throughout the movie. Fingers would be squeezed in tense scenes and gently held through the emotional ones.

Holding the hand of someone close to me connects and grounds me. I am reassured by the gentle grip of another. My flustered head stilled and my erratic heartbeat steadied. Holding hands at the movies, it is a great memory. We sat so well together. We were a great couple, I loved us at the movies with hands clasped.

Holding hands is one of my favourite things, it is right up there with preserved lemons and Scotty dogs.

Today I went to the movies alone. It is no big deal. I often go the movies alone. Today when took my seat and looked around I noticed was really alone, there was no one else in the cinema. It was empty but for me. An audience of one. Spooky. The film was a family comedy, which worked in my favour. I could have been really unglued watching suspense or horror. The experience was a little unnerving nonetheless, and the movie a little blah…

To ensure a comfortably populated cinema, check the reviews here:

http://www.filmdude.com.au/

Patrick Swayze in the supermarket

R.I.P. Patrick Swayze

There is a supermarket near home. Mottsu and I used to shop there almost daily. We’d call in on the way home from gym red, puffy and sweaty. We’d run laps of the aisles to grab a few provisions before hurrying home to enjoy the rest of the evening.

If I noticed the music in the supermarket, it was to hum along. Maybe I said the words of chorus out loud or stepped out to the beat. Innocuous supermarket music.

After Mottsu left, and after hiding from the world as long as possible, there came a time when I needed to visit a supermarket. I thought I could do it, part of slowly re-entering the world and I needed essentials like tissues and toilet paper.

I steeled myself to visit the supermarket, our familiar memory laden supermarket. I used a trolley, leaned on it like a walking frame and shuffled up and down, adding the occasional item from the shelves.

I heard something, turned my head tuning my ears. Disbelieving. Somewhere between the tissues and the toothpaste, which supermarket aficionados will know as a step or two, a familiar song started to play.

You will probably know it:
Supermarket music: Oh, my love my darling…
Me: Oh my lord my… WHAT?
Supermarket music: …I’ve hungered for your touch a long lonely time..”
Me: What? You are kidding
Supermarket music: …and time goes by so slowly
Me: Thank you world – as if this isn’t hard enough
Supermarket music: …and time can do so much are you still mine?
Me: (Survival mode kicks in for me and I abandon the trolley). Give me a break, it is too much, I don’t need this
Supermarket music: …I need your love I need your love Godspeed your love to…
Me: Gulp, breathe, breathe. Exit supermarket (and without the damn tissues that I really need now).

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My focus was making good my escape back to sanity, and my head was filled with thoughts of ghosts, pottery wheels and touching, holding – impossible images to deal with while grocery shopping.

Ohh, the longing and sorrow in the words of that supermarket tune. Ohh, the tissues and the toilet paper left in that trolley. I haven’t been back, unchained and not returning, not to that particular melody ridden supermarket.

Patrick Swayze died today. I don’t go to musical supermarkets anymore and below is the haunting song from Ghost.

R.I.P. Mottsu, my love, R.I.P. Patrick Swayze my darling. Wait for me, wait for me…