Easter is a time of Christian religious observance and celebration in a world less traditionally observant, a world in which the rituals of religion hold less meaning than in past times.
A thought for Easter time: “Taking in traumatic information and transmuting it into life-affirming action may turn out to be the most advanced and meaningful spiritual practice of our time.” Richard Heinberg
Transmuting is what we do if we can.
I have sat through more aircraft safety demonstrations than I can count.
“A loss of oxygen at altitude may lead to a loss on consciousness. If emergency oxygen is required your mask will appear from above you pull down on it firmly to activate the flow of oxygen put it on quickly and tighten the strap. Once you are breathing normally you can help others including children.”
On a plane I rarely lift my eyes from my book for the safety instructions but tonight I am thinking of the role of a carer. I am thinking of how much love and selfless effort can be invested in supporting someone you love while I am also wondering about caring for the carers.
We care as best we can. In my own case, I could not have cared any more. Nor could I have cared any less. Despair brought my partner to a crisis, hopeless and isolated. I was right there amid the grey and the drizzle, trying to warm him and keep myself dry.
As I listen to the experiences of others, and the concerns, the hopes, the dreams of a carer, I can’t help thinking that the cabin crew are right, fit your own mask first.
de·frag [dee-frag]
verb (used with object) de·fragged, de·frag·ging. Computers, Informal .
defragment.
I get fragmented over time, that’s how I feel when I’m not as connected to the everyday as I could be. Fragmented. Relaxing is not something I am good at doing. I tend to maintain a level of busy that means I jump from one task to another always thinking about things that need to be done. My head is busy juggling a mental to-do list and I am continually adding to the schedule so there is never an all finished or all done state. As the working week progresses I start to feel discimbobulated, more like a collection of remnants than a composed whole. That’s when I try to defrag: read, sleep, bathe.
I’ll employ any process, procedure, or method that relaxes, anything so that I can sleep solid – at my frantic busiest that sleep becomes less and less solid the more fragged and shredded I get, the affect is cumulative.
Recently my lap-top had a breakdown, its hard drive filled up and things stopped working, it couldn’t connect to any networks – some sort of software corruption or something. I was away from home and being off-line made me very anxious. I got very tetchy. There was little I could do but in desperation I started diskeeper to defrag the troubled disk, hoping it would help. Diskeeper ran for a very long time before reporting that “Fragmentation is the least of your problems…” I had to look twice, it was a message from the universe and it made me think…
The more I feel like a defrag is necessary, the more fragged I feel and the less contiguous and whole I become, it’s a downward spiral and that’s when I need to remember that fragmentation is the least of my problems. What’s needed is find a space to slow down, to sit and value what I have achieved rather then what I haven’t done yet. That’s when I need to negotiate with my parts and priorities and give myself space for my dreams – that’s the essence of defragging.
Arnold Mindell wrote about dealing with shock and trauma on the weekend and posted it on-line in response to the shock expressed after the devastating events in Japan. I want to share his thoughts on dealing with trauma and shock:
Here are a few ideas quickly thrown together that may help in traumatic situations, things I have found useful over the years of working with “hot spot” kinds of situations. I want to write these up quickly because of all the calls I am getting about dealing with trauma. Sorry I did not do this earlier. Everyone should add their tips if they have some. May these ideas be of help. I have not published this material, I am just sharing this out of good feeling for all those in the midst of, or going through trauma including victims, eye-witnesses, rescuers, and everyone included.
If you are in an accident, a fight, a fire, tsunami or connected with tragedy in any form,
you may feel “SHOCK” which often includes feeling depressed, exhausted, numb, unable to sleep, memory problems, shaking, heart pain etc. Many people don’t want to talk to anyone or some need to talk all the time. Some people become fearful the problem will recur. Blaming oneself and others is common. Many people experience great anxiety.
Whether you feel guilty or depressed, or want to forget, often time itself is the greatest healer.
Your own process and dreams, even feeling numb and forgetful can be intelligent methods of giving you time to recuperate.
Believe in yourself.
Dreaming and fantasies can be very helpful. Get someone to help you with your process if you need it. Focus on your thoughts, then look around you, and notice what catches your attention. That thing that caught your attention may be very helpful.
Work inside yourself, then outside. Take care as best you can to insure that the trauma does not recur. Get any help you may need to do that. Then when you have dealt as well as possible with the outer situation, go into the dreaming behind the situation. Listen to the earth, and if you can, find your process mind. If you have a spiritual tradition, follow it.
Be careful about addictive tendencies during this time. Find healthy ways to relax; perhaps meditate or go jogging.
Then again, go from inside work to taking care of yourself outside. If possible, eat sensibly, care for your physical body, and do as much exercise as possible.
Speak to others if you feel like it, and hear their stories sharing stories is very very
helpful. Gossip as much as possible.
If there is something you can do to help others with similar shock problems, please do so. That can be “self healing” as well.
Help yourself. Do realistic things such as seeking friends to help you, or even groups.
Remember, its normal for you and others to be angry and depressed and sad. Find out what exactly you are angry at, what makes you depressed, and if you can, play out those “bad” forces and play out yourself as well. Using your processmind can make this easier to do alone. But again, ask a friend or therapist to help if needed.
Your timing, your process knows what’s best. Sometimes doing nothing, forgetting it all can be very helpful. Take a walk. Forget it, work on your dreams later. And get tons and tons of love from anyone, anywhere, at any time.
Love arny
p.s. excuse me for haste and incompleteness I just wanted to get this out now. There are many good teachers about these subjects such as Emetchi!
An article in the New York Times caught my attention. It states that:
“Recent studies suggest that talk therapy may be as good as or better than drugs in the treatment of depression, but fewer than half of depressed patients now get such therapy compared with the vast majority 20 years ago.’
The story describes how brief consultations are required by insurers who reimburse patients and set the rates schedules. In a 15 minute consultation a psychiatrist can do little more than provide a prescription. I understand it is only psychiatrists can prescribe psychiatric medication, and other types of therapists can not, and previously psychiatrists could also provide talk therapy, with more patient time (and more patient insurers), there was more opportunity to tailor the treatment.
I find that alarming and worthy of talking about, because medication is not for everyone. Mottsu,for example did not feel psychiatric medication would be helpful and he sought psychological support. The treatment is not condemned by the outcome, Mottsu’s situation and process were complex.
The treatment of depression requires healing in the guise of both medical science and healing arts, there’s no panacea. Anybody’s situation and process are complex, what works for one may not work for another. I like talk therapy.
Returning to the article, linked above, “Dr. Levin expressed some astonishment that his patients admire him as much as they do. ‘The sad thing is that I’m very important to them, but I barely know them,’ he said. ‘I feel shame about that, but that’s probably because I was trained in a different era’.”
That’s a good reminder: my therapist is, in all likelihood, more important to me than I am to them.
There are many helping professions offering healing interventions, psychiatrists, psychologists, psychotherapists, counsellors, and then doctors too. Standards are established and maintained by professional authorising bodies. Qualifications and requirements differ in different states and countries, so I won’t attempt to describe them and risk getting it wrong. Each offers different forms of treatment and there are some overlaps, and there are different schools of thought and approaches within a profession.
A doctor would be a good person to advise on what each can do. Recommendations are helpful and listen to your inclinations and leanings, follow your them. Trust your cynicism and seek treatments that fit best. Talk about it.
A while ago I wrote about Dan Savage and Terry Miller and their message for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender youth, “Whatever you’re experiencing now, be it family rejection, bullying and harassment in schools or even thoughts of suicide, it gets better.”
It Gets Better is an initiative to encourage vulnerable kids to hang on through adversity. regarding suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary crisis. I am reminded that difference is better when accepted and embraced, rather than marginalised. The message is as important to all of us who want to make the world a warmer more accepting place as it is to those who are made to feel they don’t fit in. A friend passed on a fabulous African saying: ‘If you think you’re too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a closed room with a mosquito.’ I am sharing just in case there’s any doubt that each of us can make a difference.
If you know you are different you can use that information and be more different. There is no competition, the best you can be is your unique and individual self.
This funky contribution to the campaign celebrates difference:
Someone I really miss in my life is an ICE contact.
We’re encouraged by emergency services and phone companies to enter a contact number into our mobile phone under the acronym ICE (In Case of Emergency).
Today I was running for the tram wearing wide black trousers with a 3cm cuff, and black suede shoes with a 3cm heel. Heel and cuff tangled, bringing me to my knees. I picked myself up and dusted myself off and jumped onto the next tram. No Emergency. All was well until about six hours later , after walking about 2km out to lunch and back. My foot started throbbing, I slipped one shoe off. The pain ran up my calf and down again. I hurt, and put the shoe on again concerned I might not be able to put it back on if my foot swelled more.
I thought I could sit out the afternoon, but the pain was building. Solid relentless pain. I decided to make a run for it and hobble home. I changed into my running shoes, the heels were impossible, and I went as fast as I could caper, a halting hobble. I’m Hans Christian Anderson’s mermaid who feels the pain of a thousand daggers every time she takes a step. I sink into the pain breathing heavily, holding back tears heading home one step at a time and wondering why I don’t have an ICE contact for times like this. Right now I can’t think of anyone who could drop everything and tear into the city to scoop me into a rescue carriage.
On the tram there are no seats, but an elderly man stands for me. I am so relieved ,hot tears of pain are so close, I can’t quite speak. When words of thanks and appreciation do tumble out but he’s not listening. I am not keeping it together, I have to get home.
From the tram stop to my house is two blocks, I take one agonising step at a time, like a faltering bridal aisle walk. At home I struggle to take my shoe off the good foot because it means putting weight on the bad foot, which has morphed into a screaming bad leg. Excruciating and can’t help thinking that if I were tortured with physical pain I would fold, I’d admit everything, sign anything. It’s close to unbearable.
This is where my ICE person would reassure me, tell me how brave I am, ply me with chocolate and concern. On my own and shaking I turn up the heater and fall into bed clasping an ice (from the freezer ice) pack. Thankfully I sleep and on waking two hours later there’s no pain until I stand. It’s bearably better.
I need to strap up the foot, tomorrow I’ll try to buy a pressure bandage. I’m attending a three day workshop interstate. I can get there packing, the airport, the carpark, the plane. Not today, I can do it tomorrow. I’m strong, no stronger than I need to be.
I could use a piece of chocolate.
British marriage counselling service Relate advises that mid-life crisis happens earlier than we (me anyway) have expected at 35 – 44 years old. People in this age group self report as the loneliest age-group and are reported as the unhappiest in society.
Mottsu was 43 and exhibiting some typical mid-life symptoms, when he died by suicide. I know he was seeking a new career and direction, and overwhelmed that a change didn’t seem possible.
I imagine he was also wondering, and asking those haunting existential questions, what next, what else, so what and the like. He might even have wondered if God believed in atheists. I don’t know.
I do know he was in crisis, and the risk was barely visible.
I mention it because I know how easy it is to snicker at middle-aged people in shiny sports cars. Mid-life crisis can be something to ridicule but a crisis is a crisis, and it’s not all that funny.
Things get worse it seems.
A couple of guys have a simple message for people being bullied because of their sexual orientation. They want others to know that things can be bad and it gets better.
“Chicago-born Savage Love columnist and author Dan Savage and his husband Terry Miller have a message for all the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender youth out there: Whatever you’re experiencing now, be it family rejection, bullying and harassment in schools or even thoughts of suicide, it gets better.” chicagoist.com Last month Savage and Miller launched a campaign calling the effort ‘It Gets Better’.
Find It Gets Better on youtube and on FaceBook
I love this honest account, just one of the many honest accounts from people who know just how cruel others can be.
The project is important, particularly as it is underscored by the death of Raymond Chase, who was reported as the fifth gay youth to take his life in the last three weeks in America.
Don Savage and Terry Miller share their story below. There are many other moving postings of support and encouragement on their youtube channel.
I believe them all.
You might not agree that everyone should be in therapy as Thomas Moore says. I vehemently agree, I think everyone should be in therapy. In therapy may just be the new normal.
I’ve written before about how much I ♥ therapy it is valuable to me. There is nothing wrong with me, strictly speaking (maybe don’t ask my family they may express another view), and I draw incredible support from my therapist. Incredible unconditional support.
Thomas Moore says he is “…yet to meet a completely healthy, adjusted neurosis-free person”, and maybe he is yet to meet you. For me everyday dysfunctional, neurotic, and emotional is more interesting and more normal.