Author Archives: admin

2012 and I just don’t know what to do with myself…

By admin on January 2, 2012

I am standing at the front door of 2012, the new year begins. The threshold I describe, the start of another year, is a just a dot on the time continuum and even so days ahead feel full of possibility. Jung used a phrase I liked when he said he was living, “an uncertain cloud of theoretical possibilities”. Anything is possible, and I am not sure what to do…

I find it increasingly uncomfortable to be asked what I do, it always a polite inquiry but the question confounds me. I respond by talking about what I have done in the past, I don’t know what will come next, I expect to work it out.

I have a compass, in that directionally I am pulled in certain ways. I have no path, the beginning of January is a starting point but I don’t have a fixed destination. I’m looking to myself for something more or different this year, more than before, and it hard to know what I moving towards.

“Are we there yet? Are we there?” I would ask my Dad from the back-seat of the car, when I got impatient with the trip. This journeyman has spent a long time travelling, and I am still trying to determine who I am and how my life will be made most meaningful- in an ongoing curious sort of way.

The things that excite me are are also the most scary, the unknown and the unexplored and so it’s easy to feel daunted before even trying anything.

I keep thinking back to a favourite quote “Our woal life is a idear we dint think of nor we don’t know what it is….” from Russell Hoban’s book, Riddley Walker. It reminds me of how little of my life to now has been planned or, if I did sketch out a plan at any stage, how little I have kept to plan.

I’m heartened by Julie Diamond’s New Year reflection, she is looking forward to a year living selectively: “Choosing what’s meaningful and letting go of what’s not central…”

A friend also wrote about how much courage it takes to step in the direction life pulls us in, how much awareness it takes to understand if it is or isn’t your path, and how much courage it takes to walk your own uncharted path. I hope I am brave.

I expect to find my way in 2012 one tentative step at a time…

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Learn people better, Dream good, Stay glad

By admin on December 31, 2011

Woody Guthrie was an American folk singer, most renowned for his songs penned and sung during the Great Depression. New Years Rulins were found in one of his journals and dated January 31st 1942.

I’m adopting many of Woody’s resolutions as my own, so many things I would wish to anyway do in 2012.

http://www.woodyguthrie.org/newyearsrulins.htm

“I hate a song that makes you think that you are not any good. I hate a song that makes you think that you are just born to lose. Bound to lose. No good to nobody. No good for nothing. Because you are too old or too young or too fat or too slim too ugly or too this or too that. Songs that run you down or poke fun at you on account of your bad luck or hard traveling.

I am out to fight those songs to my very last breath of air and my last drop of blood. I am out to sing songs that will prove to you that this is your world and that if it has hit you pretty hard and knocked you for a dozen loops, no matter what color, what size you are, how you are built.

I am out to sing the songs that make you take pride in yourself and in your work.”
Cray, Ed (2004). Ramblin Man: The Life and Times of Woody Guthrie. New York: W. W. Norton & Company

..and I am out to dream good. Thanks Woody Guthrie.

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Vale Joe Bodolai

By admin on December 29, 2011

This is a link to Joe Bodolai, a comedy writer’s, last blog entry before he died by suicide. I hope the site is taken down in time and I guess he left it to be read…

Included in the posting is a list of things he regrets, including “That I am no longer able to withstand any more of life’s pain.”

On Dec. 23, he posted on Twitter: “If you for some reason care about me. Stop caring.”
And on Dec. 24: “Godbye” – unfortunately that last tweet has been mis-reported in various news sources as Goodbye and that’s not what he said.

If you, or someone you know, needs emotional support call Lifeline on 13 11 14 in Australia. Crisis counselling is available around the world.

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Happy Merry

By admin on December 25, 2011

This is the third Christmas time I have written as Wonderersheart, and I am wishing a Happy Merry to all. I also want to acknowledge that the Christmas and holiday time will be a confronting time for many.

Punishing more than merry is how it can be.

The astounding Terry Gilliam of the Monty Python team created this greeting in 1968, capturing some of the perversity of the season, while bringing joy to the world.

I hope all is calm if not bright. Happy merry.

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Moment to moment

By admin on December 23, 2011

It’s the time of year for reflection and dreaming, where have I been and where to next? The latter is more intriguing, the where to question holds possibilities. What next? What does the next year hold for me? What might turn up?

My 2012 desk calendar, a gift from a friend, sits on my desk ready to flip to the first new month. The calendar maps out weeks and days within each month and I find myself wanting to hold on to moments as being most valuable. I want to grasp the hard to describe fleeting seconds that are often nothing more than smiles and looks, moments where I feel met by another. Wordless and brief but meaningful encounters, usually unaccompanied by a soundtrack or by a greater narrative script. Words when they follow those instances take me further away from contact on dreaming level and back to a more mundane association. I’ll clutch at moments of connection with another and each moment caught will be savoured for the brief instance it’s present.

I not wishing for surprises, big events or particularly significant achievements but for many transient insights and I’m hoping to make tiny contributions or connections to those I encounter, at least as many as I receive.

Life is too long not to be appreciated moment to moment.
All I want for Christmas is to be present.

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Some amazing person

By admin on December 21, 2011

http://www.leunig.com.au/

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Word use in the poetry of poets who die by suicide

By admin on December 19, 2011

In 2001 Stirman and Pennebaker published a research project: Word Use in the Poetry of Suicidal and Non-suicidal Poets.

It could be because of the expressive nature of poetry or maybe because of particular artistic temperament of those drawn to the medium, that the researchers note the suicide rate among poets is higher than occurs in the general population and also higher than other writers who use other literary forms.

With that observation as a starting point the researchers complete a word analysis of poems by writers who die by suicide and the poems of a control group who died by other causes. The results are interesting as the text analysis of poems supported the theory that suicidal people withdraw from social relationships and become more inwardly oriented, focused on themselves. The text analysis looked for more first person self references and fewer references to others and found them. Suicidal poets were also found to use more death words like dead and grave, but overall they did not use more dark and negative content words than the non-suicidal poets.

The researchers note that “The text-analysis approach to analyzing the poetry of suicidal individuals indicates that a combination of factors can also discerned in the writing of suicidal individuals. That is, text analysis can be used as a tool for understanding the way that psychological pain, preoccupation with death and self and association between thought and feeling can be manifested in writing and potentially predict (or indicate the current state of) psychological and emotional health”. Stirman, S. W. Pennebaker, J. W. (2001) Word use in the poetry of suicidal and non-suicidal poets. Psychosomatic Medicine, 63, 517 – 522.

Perhaps poetry is a medium that allows what is on the inside, and could not otherwise be articulated, to find expression.

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Enough?

By admin on December 17, 2011

It is hard to believe that I am enough, just as I am. I extort myself to be better, more, to be the best I can. There is an almost constant conversation happening on the inside asking for more, knowing I could be better, kinder, smarter, more…

I was working today, completing an assignment, absorbed. Late in the afternoon I paused to make lunch, fresh sardines in the fry pan and bread in the toaster. Out of habit I looked at the floor around my feet, and no, there was no little dog looking up at me.

My house and particularly the kitchen is empty without my wee dog, Shortbread. She loved sardines, she would throw her head back and swallow the little fish in the style of a hungry seal. I miss her love of sardines, I miss sharing with her. I feel so alone, I miss her and wonder if I gave her enough, loved her enough.

That’s how a bereavement is, person or dog, somedays the loss catches you unprepared.

I find myself questioning if I am enough. Was I enough? Could I have loved more? Shared more? Been more devoted or attentive? Could I have been bigger, greater, more generous? Should I have given over more sardines? Did I love enough while she was here? I could have done more, I wish I had…

My questions are not only about my dog but about other roles, daughter, sister, friend, colleague or aunt. Am I ever enough? Not ever close enough to perfect- I sigh, resigned to not being enough. As good as I can be I could be more, regrets consume my best efforts – not always but tonight. Enough.

I do what I can knowing it’s never enough and what is just is. I am and it is.

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Simon says…

By admin on December 14, 2011

Simon Hogan, in his typically Australian laconic style, describes himself as a 23 year old footy player. Footy is Australian Rules football, a game with an estimated 9 million followers. Simon plays for the Geelong Football club, the team Mottsu followed and the current competition premiers.

Simon Hogan is an elite athlete and professional sportsman, and he has had major depression over the past three years. His depression led to considering suicide, and to seeking support. Listening to him, I am considering taking more of an interest in footy.

He speaks frankly about his experience, here’s his story in print and below on video.

Fittingly he is now an ambassador for headspace, Australia’s National Youth Mental Health Foundation. Impressive.

If you, or someone you know, needs emotional support call Lifeline on 13 11 14 in Australia. Crisis counselling is available around the world.

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Meds?

By admin on December 6, 2011

A girlfriend was saying she thinks she may have been depressed all of her life.

“It’s hard to reach out” she said.

“It’s hard to get what you need” she said.

She did reach out, and consulted her doctor who gave her a prescription for an SSRI. Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors or SSRIs are commonly prescribed for the treatment of depression. She went to a pharmacy and the prescription filled, and she now has an unopened bottle of Zoloft. She’s not sure what to do next.

Having the medication has already improved how she feels. She’s tried waving the little jar of meds around her head to imbibe the benefits. She’s also thinking about placing them under her pillow and then trying to sleep. She’s not only joking, she is hesitant and wants to think carefully before starting on meds – the implications, the risks, and the benefits. She’s taking her time…

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