Author Archives: admin

Vale Joe Bodolai

By admin on December 29, 2011

This is a link to Joe Bodolai, a comedy writer’s, last blog entry before he died by suicide. I hope the site is taken down in time and I guess he left it to be read…

Included in the posting is a list of things he regrets, including “That I am no longer able to withstand any more of life’s pain.”

On Dec. 23, he posted on Twitter: “If you for some reason care about me. Stop caring.”
And on Dec. 24: “Godbye” – unfortunately that last tweet has been mis-reported in various news sources as Goodbye and that’s not what he said.

If you, or someone you know, needs emotional support call Lifeline on 13 11 14 in Australia. Crisis counselling is available around the world.

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Happy Merry

By admin on December 25, 2011

This is the third Christmas time I have written as Wonderersheart, and I am wishing a Happy Merry to all. I also want to acknowledge that the Christmas and holiday time will be a confronting time for many.

Punishing more than merry is how it can be.

The astounding Terry Gilliam of the Monty Python team created this greeting in 1968, capturing some of the perversity of the season, while bringing joy to the world.

I hope all is calm if not bright. Happy merry.

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Moment to moment

By admin on December 23, 2011

It’s the time of year for reflection and dreaming, where have I been and where to next? The latter is more intriguing, the where to question holds possibilities. What next? What does the next year hold for me? What might turn up?

My 2012 desk calendar, a gift from a friend, sits on my desk ready to flip to the first new month. The calendar maps out weeks and days within each month and I find myself wanting to hold on to moments as being most valuable. I want to grasp the hard to describe fleeting seconds that are often nothing more than smiles and looks, moments where I feel met by another. Wordless and brief but meaningful encounters, usually unaccompanied by a soundtrack or by a greater narrative script. Words when they follow those instances take me further away from contact on dreaming level and back to a more mundane association. I’ll clutch at moments of connection with another and each moment caught will be savoured for the brief instance it’s present.

I not wishing for surprises, big events or particularly significant achievements but for many transient insights and I’m hoping to make tiny contributions or connections to those I encounter, at least as many as I receive.

Life is too long not to be appreciated moment to moment.
All I want for Christmas is to be present.

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Some amazing person

By admin on December 21, 2011

http://www.leunig.com.au/

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Word use in the poetry of poets who die by suicide

By admin on December 19, 2011

In 2001 Stirman and Pennebaker published a research project: Word Use in the Poetry of Suicidal and Non-suicidal Poets.

It could be because of the expressive nature of poetry or maybe because of particular artistic temperament of those drawn to the medium, that the researchers note the suicide rate among poets is higher than occurs in the general population and also higher than other writers who use other literary forms.

With that observation as a starting point the researchers complete a word analysis of poems by writers who die by suicide and the poems of a control group who died by other causes. The results are interesting as the text analysis of poems supported the theory that suicidal people withdraw from social relationships and become more inwardly oriented, focused on themselves. The text analysis looked for more first person self references and fewer references to others and found them. Suicidal poets were also found to use more death words like dead and grave, but overall they did not use more dark and negative content words than the non-suicidal poets.

The researchers note that “The text-analysis approach to analyzing the poetry of suicidal individuals indicates that a combination of factors can also discerned in the writing of suicidal individuals. That is, text analysis can be used as a tool for understanding the way that psychological pain, preoccupation with death and self and association between thought and feeling can be manifested in writing and potentially predict (or indicate the current state of) psychological and emotional health”. Stirman, S. W. Pennebaker, J. W. (2001) Word use in the poetry of suicidal and non-suicidal poets. Psychosomatic Medicine, 63, 517 – 522.

Perhaps poetry is a medium that allows what is on the inside, and could not otherwise be articulated, to find expression.

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Enough?

By admin on December 17, 2011

It is hard to believe that I am enough, just as I am. I extort myself to be better, more, to be the best I can. There is an almost constant conversation happening on the inside asking for more, knowing I could be better, kinder, smarter, more…

I was working today, completing an assignment, absorbed. Late in the afternoon I paused to make lunch, fresh sardines in the fry pan and bread in the toaster. Out of habit I looked at the floor around my feet, and no, there was no little dog looking up at me.

My house and particularly the kitchen is empty without my wee dog, Shortbread. She loved sardines, she would throw her head back and swallow the little fish in the style of a hungry seal. I miss her love of sardines, I miss sharing with her. I feel so alone, I miss her and wonder if I gave her enough, loved her enough.

That’s how a bereavement is, person or dog, somedays the loss catches you unprepared.

I find myself questioning if I am enough. Was I enough? Could I have loved more? Shared more? Been more devoted or attentive? Could I have been bigger, greater, more generous? Should I have given over more sardines? Did I love enough while she was here? I could have done more, I wish I had…

My questions are not only about my dog but about other roles, daughter, sister, friend, colleague or aunt. Am I ever enough? Not ever close enough to perfect- I sigh, resigned to not being enough. As good as I can be I could be more, regrets consume my best efforts – not always but tonight. Enough.

I do what I can knowing it’s never enough and what is just is. I am and it is.

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Simon says…

By admin on December 14, 2011

Simon Hogan, in his typically Australian laconic style, describes himself as a 23 year old footy player. Footy is Australian Rules football, a game with an estimated 9 million followers. Simon plays for the Geelong Football club, the team Mottsu followed and the current competition premiers.

Simon Hogan is an elite athlete and professional sportsman, and he has had major depression over the past three years. His depression led to considering suicide, and to seeking support. Listening to him, I am considering taking more of an interest in footy.

He speaks frankly about his experience, here’s his story in print and below on video.

Fittingly he is now an ambassador for headspace, Australia’s National Youth Mental Health Foundation. Impressive.

If you, or someone you know, needs emotional support call Lifeline on 13 11 14 in Australia. Crisis counselling is available around the world.

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Meds?

By admin on December 6, 2011

A girlfriend was saying she thinks she may have been depressed all of her life.

“It’s hard to reach out” she said.

“It’s hard to get what you need” she said.

She did reach out, and consulted her doctor who gave her a prescription for an SSRI. Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors or SSRIs are commonly prescribed for the treatment of depression. She went to a pharmacy and the prescription filled, and she now has an unopened bottle of Zoloft. She’s not sure what to do next.

Having the medication has already improved how she feels. She’s tried waving the little jar of meds around her head to imbibe the benefits. She’s also thinking about placing them under her pillow and then trying to sleep. She’s not only joking, she is hesitant and wants to think carefully before starting on meds – the implications, the risks, and the benefits. She’s taking her time…

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Saying something not so stupid

By admin on December 4, 2011

I am returning, just briefly, to the comments of Joey Barton and my previous post and I am relenting.

I have been feeling sorry that I said what Joey Barton tweeted was stupid, when he said that ‘Suicide is a mix of the most tragic, most selfish, most terrible (and I want to believe preventable) acts out there.’ He said what many people would say on hearing of the death by suicide of a friend. The first reactions of shock, and disbelieving are just what happens, there is perhaps no other way to receive the news of a suicide.

I remember the countless phone-calls I made and answered after Mottsu’s death. If he had died in an accident that would have been incomprehensible enough, his friends and I would have struggled to piece together a story that placed him in the wrong place and time and in the path of some fatal unforeseeable event. We would have tried to reconcile events with the whims of fate. While a tragedy that claims a life might seem senseless, it would have been explainable, and somewhat more comprehensible than his suicide.

Joey Barton is no more stupid, or smarter, that the average bear, uninformed maybe but not stupid per se. In the wretched aftermath of some suicides, not all but many, the shock is stupefying there are only questions no answers. I know how I tried to recount what I knew of what had happened to someone we knew as a rational respected journalist,and a warm and sincere friend. The facts in no way explained the loss, none of us was able to understand…

Fundamental to our existential natures is a tendency to seek reason and meaning, but often (always?) suicide defies rationalisation. There is no way to make sense of the anguished act, and the all but unimaginable possibility that someone might choose suicide. That is the tragedy that Joey Barton describes as “…the most tragic”.

Being confronted with a suicide is grim and it is heart-rending to think that something preventable, again that is Barton’s word, was not arrested not prevented. What might have forestalled a suicide? What did I know? Did I collude with a suicidal intent by not saying/doing anything rather than thwart it? If it is preventable who is the preventer and what might foil the suicidal?

I think our pre-occupation with prevention suggests an association with some sort of criminality , wrongdoing is implied. Something must be averted, prevented. If a suicidal person can be stopped and a suicide avoided then did someone fail when someone dies? Joey Barton didn’t say something stupid he said what many hold to be true “one of the…most terrible…acts out there.”

Suicide is confronting, it belies understanding and there is a pall of guilt. Someone is guilty of something. Barton identifies the culprit when he makes his accusation of selfishness. I do not agree.

If you, or someone you know, needs emotional support call Lifeline on 13 11 14 in Australia. Crisis counselling is available around the world.

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Saying something stupid

By admin on November 30, 2011

Joey Barton is an English footballer affected by the death of Gary Speed. Then he went and spoiled it all by saying something stupid like:

If not stupid Joey Barton’s view is uninformed and ill-considered. Before anyone concludes that suicide might be a selfish act I need to say; it is simply not possible to rationalise a death by suicide with an everyday logical mind. Suicide is far removed from normal experience and we struggle to comprehend the act. It is too easy, it seems, for the way someone dies to change your memory of how they lived. The accusation of selfishness highlights the lack of understanding and the related depth of stigma surrounding suicide. I feel compelled to continue to rally against the apparently widely held view that suicide is selfish. I have explored that perspective and argued against the selfish view again and again, in other posts.

I am repeating a short excerpt from May this year as evidence I hope will convince any cynic. Scientific American described suicide as “an attempt to escape from oneself”. The suicidal mind is described as “unbearable”, burdened with a “crushing intolerable weight”. The same article says “Feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt, inadequacy, or feeling exposed, humiliated and rejected leads suicidal people to dislike themselves in a manner that, essentially, cleaves them off from an idealized humanity. The self is seen as being enduringly undesirable; there is no hope for change and the core self is perceived as being rotten.”

Here in Australia it was recently reported that “Beyondblue has had success in raising awareness about depression and anxiety, but it has largely fulfilled that purpose.” Beyondblue was setup in 2000, as a not for profit organisation established to to erode the shame surrounding depression and anxiety. It is premature to suggest Beyondblue, or any similar initiative, has fulfilled its purpose while suicide is widely regarded as the most selfish act a person can enact. There are more stories to tell, more work to do, more tweets to twitter, and more compassion to bring…

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