“Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me” I remember chanting that line in a sing-song retort to the neighbourhood bully and his taunting offsider. If only it were true…

The death by suicide of a 14 year old Melbourne schoolgirl Sheniz Erkan is a morbid reminder of the fatal power of bullies and their words. It was reported that ruthless and relentless on-line harassment had become too much for her to bear.

The words of a bully almost inevitably give rise to thoughts and feelings that create an inner turmoil in the bullied. It’s not always possible to maintain sufficient self esteem to ward off hurt. Sadly, we are often more open to hearing what is wrong us rather than what is right.

We can be our harshest judges with our insecurities fed by external evaluation. It is often easier to identify with faults rather than ones strengths, and that gives rise to an identity which does not reflect the whole person. A person can slip into the role of victim, defenses compromised and diminished, hearts vulnerable.

Research is finding support for the premise that the more frequent the bullying behavior,either as a perpetrator or the subject of bullying efforts, the greater the risk of depression, suicidal ideation, or suicide attempt. Those who are bullied consistently experience more depressive symptoms than those who are not bullied; they have high levels of suicidal ideation and are more likely to attempt suicide than adolescents who are not bullied.

The relationship between motives and wounds of the perpetrator and the subject of bullying is complex. There is another role, that is largely unexplored in the media, that of the bystander those who observe, read, witness or are aware of the bullying. Bystanders condone, if not explicitly encourage the transgressions of a bully. I don’t know why but too many of us are bystanders in schools and organisations, places where bullying can be endemic but unchallenged. We need to do better…

If you, or someone you know, needs emotional support call Lifeline on 13 11 14 in Australia. Crisis counselling is available around the world.