Since reading this passage I can’t shake the image of the sick ape…
“It was absolutely uncanny, gave me the creeps. That woman actually thought I’d been thinking of suicide.
I had been thinking of it right enough, often do, always have the idea of it huddled like a sick ape in the back of my mind. But I’d never do it. Well, that’s not true either. I can imagine the state of mind, I’ve been in it often enough. no place for the self to sit down and catch its breath. Just being hurried, hurried out of existence. When I feel like that even such a thing as posting a letter or going to the laundrette wears me out. The mind moves ahead of every action making me tired in advance of what I do. Even a thing as simple as changing trains in the Underground becomes terribly heavy…”
Hoban, R. (1975) Turtle Diary p. 75. London: Bloomsbury Publishing
Oh, thanks Russell Hoban, finally I can feel how suicidal thoughts reside in one’s head, quietly omnipresent and huddled. Oh my, Hoban’s description of ‘it’ is haunting.
I am reminded of Mottsu’s lethargy, how he was weighed down by his depression and how he barely plodded through his last days. I didn’t quite see it then but now, with 20/20 hindsight; I can see how he struggled and he did not (could not) find the space to sit down and catch his breath.
Having said that I will also say that help is at hand. Around the world there are services dedicated to supporting people keep living. In Australia those seeking support and information about suicide prevention can contact Lifeline on 13 11 14