Put the statement “If there’s anything I can do” on that same list (see previous post) of things not to say to someone who has just had someone close to them die.

From the day he left, and for the first few weeks the same offer was made so often it became an almost continuous refrain. It was made sincerely by well intentioned people who don’t know what else to say, let alone how to help. They whispered that “if there’s anything I can do……..” that all I needed do is ask. It’s the customary thing to say to someone suffering a trauma and it’s not enough. I wanted more from people than offers of anything. I wanted help, specific life saving actions. Resuscitation requires effort and I drowned in words and offers of sympathy.

Defeated by the question my response was just as vapid “I wish there was something I could ask you to do, that there was something you could do…” and I smiled to indicate appreciation, that’s was barely felt, and trying to reassure, “there’s nothing to be done…”

I wished the situation was that simple that I might have been able to reach out to those who shared this loss by suggesting something meaningful they could do by way of consolation. What could anybody do? I was at a loss to know what to ask for, that there might have been some magical action that would have made a difference. I always promised to let them know. “If I think of something I’ll ask ” I promised. I didn’t ask, unable to think of anything to ask for.

I was too disoriented to identify what might help, not strong enough to be able to ask for help and anyway didn’t believe that anything would help.

Oh I just remembered my little brother, C. Robin, ignored my pleas for him not to drop everything and dropped everything to come interstate and be here in the days Mottsu was missing, and then found…C. Robin was by my side during days worse than I could have imagined.

He was brilliant when he didn’t ask and just did…

Then he uttered ‘that’ phrase one day, in the stretch between finding Mottsu’s body and his funeral, C. Robin asked “if there’s anything I can do….”.

There was something and it immediately sprung to mind, he could clear the leaves from the gutter at the back of the house. That gutter was a nightmare when it rained, and water spilled onto the house and into the walls. Water flowed back from the gutter across the roof and the sky-light in the kitchen would drip. The twig filled gutters were a problem. They were a problem for C. Robin too, he raised his eyebrows with disbelief. The gutters were the thing he could do? He expected something different, he thought I would have asked him to do something ‘serious’. Fortunately I convinced him that blocked gutters were not frivolous, and he did clear them. My hero…

If there’s anything you can do for someone who is grieving, do it.