Sometimes song fragments hum around in my inner, a refrain singing to the outer.

Browsing around Powell’s, a great bookshop in Portland, a remnant of a song I didn’t really know was whispered by my inner, wanting to be known.

“I’ll stand in front of you and take the force of the blow…”

Book browsing abandoned, I tried music shops singing the only line I could recall of the song sung by artists I didn’t know. The listeners, the CD sellers, struggled to recognise the song. It took some days to track it down, not only due to the quality of my singing, the song was 10 years old.

“I’ll stand in front of you and take the force of the blow…”
I hummed the words about actions I’d failed to fulfill. I hadn’t taken the force of the blow.

Haunted by a partly remembered song line and unsure of what my inner needed the outer to know…

There’s another part of the song I take solace from. This might be what my inner was singing for my outer to know:

“Now I can’t change the way you feel
But I can put my arms around you
That’s just part of the deal
That’s the way I feel
I’ll put my arms around you…”

I couldn’t change the way Mottsu felt, I did put my arms around him.
My outer is still learning, that I can’t take the force of the blow on behalf of someone I love. I wish it were possible.

…but I can put my arms around you. I can sit by you. Hold your hand. Be close by, if you have to suffer the force of a blow, or dark forces unknown.